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Ask Dr. Frankie

Submit a question to Dr. Frankie about relationships and dating. We want to hear from you!

NOTE: Names will be changed for anonymity.

Ask Dr. Frankie Response

Dear Dr. Frankie,

How do I charm a femme?

-Butch seeking femme

Dear Butch seeking femme,

Great question! Here are a few simple tips:

Take initiative, be assertive and confident! Confidence is sexy! I've noticed that women, from butch to femme, all want to be pursued. This goes ESPECIALLY for the femme. So be the pursuer, ask her out and plan the date. Practice good grooming, shower and make sure to smell great (this doesn't mean overpowering)! Chances are when you get to her house she won't be ready. Be patient. Femmes do not like to be rushed. Factor in an extra 30 minutes to be safe. Compliment her shoes! Femmes take pride in their appearance, show her you notice! Don't be a me-me, this is someone who is self-absorbed and talks endlessly about him/herself. Be attentive. Listening while she speaks will allow you to ask appropriate and interesting questions. This will show her that you're thoughtful. Sadly, truly thoughtful people are hard to find. Make the first move a kiss on the cheek, if you like her and hope to see her again. Anything more and she may think you're interested in only one thing – sex. When the time is right, consider sending flowers to her job, femmes love others to see that they're being pursued. Also sending a random text to let her know you're thinking about her never hurts.

Dear Dr. Frankie,

How do my partner and I overcome lesbian bed death?

-Stone Cold

Dear Stone Cold,

Start by focusing on intimacy rather than sex. Give her a foot massage; take a bath together, reconnecting physically without the pressure of sex will lower both of your anxieties. Surprise your partner by wearing sexy underwear, she'll notice and you'll feel more sexy and desirable. Take the computer and the TV out of the bedroom. The bedroom should be for two things, sleeping and sex. It might sound unsexy, but its important to schedule time every week for intimacy and romance. Splurge occasionally with a weekend getaway to a romantic location. Explore erotica, porn, toys, role playing, mix things up. Sleep in the nude, there is nothing like feeling your partner's warm, soft skin on yours. Remind her daily of all the reasons you love her. Educate yourselves about sex by reading and learning-the more you know the more skill and confidence you'll have. Take risks by asking your partner what turns her on and by expressing your own needs. Switch top and bottom. Text her an occasional provocative message. If you've exhausted these options and nothing seems to help, consult a sex therapist to help you reconnect. There may be issues other than sexual compatibility holding you back.

Dear Dr. Frankie,

I make more money than boyfriend and he expects me to pay for everything, is this fair?

-Tightwad

Dear Tightwad,

If you love your boyfriend and you make more money than him, you should want to pay. Depending on the seriousness of the relationship, on some level you should want to take care of him. This will be a real problem for you two if you can't reach a solution (what if you want to go on an expensive vacation he can't afford? Are you really going to leave him home? Or will you pay for him and resent him the entire trip?). Perhaps there are other issues here. Are you worried your boyfriend is a gold digger? Have you been taken advantage of (financially) in a past relationship? This topic would be very helpful to explore with a relationship coach or psychotherapist.

Dear Dr. Frankie,

My girlfriend and I've been together three months and want to move in together. Our friends say its too early but we think the time is right.

-UHaul

Dear UHaul,

Your friends are right. Scientific studies show that brain chemistry is altered during the beginning of a relationship. The brain releases a surge of Dopamine and Norepinepherine (neurotransmitters) that creates feelings of euphoria, similar to being high. Once you've become intimate sexually a hormone called Oxytocin is released which makes people feel intensely connected. Every subsequent interaction makes this bond even stronger. The point is that it is important to let the dust settle before making big decisions because you are on a biochemical "high" right now. Give it time. To maintain a balanced perspective be mindful of spending too much time together. This will help you keep a level head during this exciting (but chemically-altered) state you are in. In the meantime take a week-long trip somewhere, spend long weekends together, learn your girlfriend's quirks and let her learn yours. Moving in too quickly, even with the right girl, could potentially permanently damage your relationship.

Speed Dating at Orson's BoomSF Thursday September 16th

Written by Dr. Frankie
Friday, 25 June 2010 06:25
September 16th: Speed Dating 8:30 drinks and bites 9:00 speed dating begins Come join us for some good wine and some fast women. In this case... it's ok to be fast... trust your gut and ask the important questions. Dr. Frankie of Little Gay Book will show you how.
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Should We Ask Why?

Written by Dr. Frankie
Friday, 25 June 2010 06:25
Have you ever wondered why so many of us struggle to maintain a relationship that started out so incredibly strong and seemed like such a perfect fit? I most certainly have. Here are some hard facts to consider. 1. People who are married or in committed relationships are healthier, wealthier and happier. 2. Approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce (with higher rates for second and third marriages). 3. The national divorce rate is two and a half times higher than it was twenty years ago and four times higher than it was fifty years ago. 4. Fewer people are getting married today than ever before. 5. Committed relationships lengthen life, substantially boost physical and emotional health, and raises income. 6. Commitment has also been found to reduce depression and anxiety. 7. There is a higher rate of divorce and adultery in second marriages. 8. Infidelity causes 65% of breakups nationwide. Shouldn't we be asking ourselves why?
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HERE ARE SOME BENEFITS TO DATING SOMEONE OLDER THAN YOURSELF:

Written by Dr. Frankie
Friday, 25 June 2010 06:25
1. More secure. In my experience age brings wisdom and a self-assurance not commonly found in younger folks. 2. Less drama. Older women are most certainly NOT the target audience for books like, "Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl". Older men and women care less about who-thinks-what about them on superficial levels. They've learned not to sweat the small stuff.
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7 Relationship Problems and How to Resolve Them

Written by Dr. Frankie
Monday, 31 May 2010 06:35
Most if not all couples run into bumps along their journey. Experts say that if you are able to anticipate potential relationship problems and develop basic skills, you will be more likely to stay afloat as a couple. Of course most people discuss basic points when considering starting a life together including: money, sex, and kids. Of course no matter how much you discuss these issues beforehand life tends to throw monkey wrenches at you and your well laid plans. This should come as no shock, but all relationships experience problems. What is the difference between couples that fail and couples that last? Couples that are able to maintain successful relationships have learned how to manage problems as they arise and so they are able to keep their love life going. They are successful because they have made the decision to be committed even during the toughest times. They tackle problems early on when they are small and manageable, rather than sweeping them under the rug and having to address them when they are huge and complex. They learn through trial and error how to maneuver through complex issues that come up in their relationship. Many people acquire knowledge and skills by reading self help books, attending seminars, going to counseling, browsing articles on the internet, and by observing other successful couples. Lets talk about some of the most common issues that couples present to me, and discuss some ways to resolve them: Problem #1 Communication Communication is vital and many relationship problems stem from poor communication. Strategies: Carve out time on a daily basis to connect with your partner. It’s easy to get distracted by the television, cell phone, answering machine, computer and so on. Put all of these distractions aside and focus on connecting with your partner. Don’t wait to do this until you’re ripping each other’s heads off while discussing the grocery list. Some ground rules need to be established, for example: No interrupting until each person is through speaking. And you both need to be mindful of not using absolutes like “You always” or “You never” or “You can’t”. *Both of you need to be aware of what your facial expressions and body language is conveying. Some experts in this field have determined that only 7% of communication is verbal and 93% of communication is non-verbal. Words are limited in how much they can convey. Stay focused and show that you’re listening and are engaged by nodding your head. This might sound hokey but when applied it can really open up the lines of communication without assigning blame. When your partner is done speaking paraphrase what they’ve said by saying something to the effect of “What I hear you saying is that you feel as though (blank), and you would prefer that I do (blank) instead of (blank)”.
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Dr. Frankie’s Favorite 11 Dating Tips

Written by Dr. Frankie
Monday, 10 May 2010 07:01
Although these are all common sense it never hurts to have a refresher. Keep these in mind and you will find that dating can actually feel like an enjoyable adventure rather than a stressful interview. 1. Do not expect perfection. There is nothing as unattractive as someone who thinks his or her picture is in the encyclopedia next to the word “perfect”. Be realistic about yourself and your expectations for your ideal mate. Unless your name is Prince Charming, look for the shoe that leaves the fewest number of blisters, not the size 4 ½ glass slipper from Saturday night’s Ball. 2. Avoid extra conversation before your first date. Keep your phone conversation on topic. This will heighten the excitement and intrigue and will give you more to discover face-to-face on your date.
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Dr. Frankie of Little Gay Book, LLC is a matchmaker who focuses exclusively on finding love for the members of our Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender community. She holds a Doctorate in the field of Psychology and is an expert in the field of human behavior and matching, with years of experience.

Little Gay Book, LLC, 1865 Union Street, San Francisco, CA 94123 | (415) 990-2929 | drfrankie@littlegaybook.com
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