Have you ever wondered why so many of us struggle to maintain a relationship that started out so incredibly strong and seemed like such a perfect fit?  I most certainly have. Here are some hard facts to consider.

1. People who are married or in committed relationships are healthier, wealthier and happier.

2. Approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce (with higher rates for second and third marriages).

3. The national divorce rate is two and a half times higher than it was twenty years ago and four times higher than it was fifty years ago.

4. Fewer people are getting married today than ever before.

5. Committed relationships lengthen life, substantially boost physical and emotional health, and raises income.

6. Commitment has also been found to reduce depression and anxiety.

7. There is a higher rate of divorce and adultery in second marriages.

8. Infidelity causes 65% of breakups nationwide.

Shouldn't we be asking ourselves why? 

I'll state the obvious by saying that it's easy (and more exciting) to fall in love but unfortunately few people know how to stay in love. At the beginning of a relationship "there's fascination, the promise of untold happiness, and the thrill of the chase.  There are chemical changes that occur within our brains involving neurotransmitters (dopamine and norepinephrine to be exact) that cause feelings of intense euphoria. As the relationship progresses the euphoria and fantasies subside and reality sets in. You start to notice your partners idiosyncratic behaviors - that were at one time acceptable and maybe even charming - become real areas of tension and frustration. Perhaps you find yourself focusing more on your partner's quirks and perceived inadequacies. Remind yourself that these feelings are completely normal. It's also important to remember that there is no perfect person or relationship, regardless of the picture that society and popular media paint. Just like we're led to believe that we're all supposed to be happy all of the time. If you believe either of these ideas you are 100% fooling yourself.

People often wait six years or more bef ore they seek professional help but unfortunately by that point their relationships are often crumbling and the damage is done. An unfortunate reality about today's society is is the fact that we all suffer to a certain extent from the "grass is greener" syndrome. Often, people decide to end their relationships prematurely and find themselves in a similar predicament yet again.  Even the best relationships take effort and time.  They require regular nurturing, for example inviting your partner for a romantic dinner, bringing home travel material to plan your next vacation, texting to let your partner know you're thinking of them, or surprising your partner by planning something special.  I often encourage my clients to dedicate themselves to repairing their current relationship rather than jumping to "the next best thing" (this is of course assuming their current relationship is not unsafe and/or unhealthy). Getting rid of your partner does not get rid of the problems that exist because the unfortunate truth is that half of the "problems" are yours. You can try and run from the pain of dealing with intimacy and your vulnerabilities but you can't hide, at least not for long. A critical mistake couples make is blaming each other rather than learning how to work as a team to help coach and support one another through the difficult times.

Below I have outlined several key points to keep in mind as you work on shifting the way in which you approach your relationship.

1. "Harsh Startup". Imagine your partner approaches you following an argument and attempts to "make nice" by making a joke or tries to lighten things up by suggesting a few resolutions to the problem, and your reaction is one of criticism or sarcasm or negativity - all of which at this point are a form of contempt. If this is how the conversation starts - rethink you're response, take a breather and start over because...96% of the time the outcome of a conversation is determined in the three minutes of a fifteen minute interaction. 

2. "The Four Horsemen". Certain kinds of negativity including: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling will inevitably destroy your relationship.

• Criticism: It's normal to have a complaint that needs to be discussed with your partner.  It can be damaging when the complaint is actually a criticism. When one states a complaint it addresses a specific action that your partner did or didn't do that was upsetting to you.  A criticism however is when a few negative words are added to your complaint that attacks your partner's character or personality in some way.  If you find yourself not focusing on a specific behavior and instead you are blaming and attacking your partner's character, reevaluate the way you're approaching conflict in your relationship.  Complaint: "Why are you so absentminded?" Criticism: "You just don't care...what is wrong with you?"

• Contempt: Sarcasm, cynicism, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and name-calling are all forms of contempt. Using this type of approach in a  disagreement is the most toxic and damaging to your relationship. It's nearly impossible to reconcile or resolve any situation when your partner feels hated or disgusted by you.

• Defensiveness: Defensiveness is an indirect way of blaming your partner.  The danger of being defensive during a conflict is that it escalates the situation and worsens matters.

• Stonewalling: In relationships where disagreements start with a "harsh startup" that lead to criticism, contempt, defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out and disconnects emotionally. The person becomes less responsive, so much so, it's hard to tell if they're actually hearing what you're saying. The way we know the person we're talking to is hearing us is by nodding, eye contact, or saying things like "yeah" or "Uh-huh".  A "stonewaller" looks away or down and doesn't give you feedback that indicates he/she is engaged and listening.  Initially a "stonewaller" may engagement to avoid a fight, but in actuality they are neglecting their relationship by avoiding the disagreement. This will inevitably have long term, possibly catastrophic, consequences.