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Ask Dr. Frankie
Submit a question to Dr. Frankie about relationships and dating. We want to hear from you!
NOTE: Names will be changed for anonymity.
Ask Dr. Frankie Response
Dear Dr. Frankie,How do I charm a femme?
-Butch seeking femme
Dear Butch seeking femme,
Great question! Here are a few simple tips:
Take initiative, be assertive and confident! Confidence is sexy! I've noticed that women, from butch to femme, all want to be pursued. This goes ESPECIALLY for the femme. So be the pursuer, ask her out and plan the date. Practice good grooming, shower and make sure to smell great (this doesn't mean overpowering)! Chances are when you get to her house she won't be ready. Be patient. Femmes do not like to be rushed. Factor in an extra 30 minutes to be safe. Compliment her shoes! Femmes take pride in their appearance, show her you notice! Don't be a me-me, this is someone who is self-absorbed and talks endlessly about him/herself. Be attentive. Listening while she speaks will allow you to ask appropriate and interesting questions. This will show her that you're thoughtful. Sadly, truly thoughtful people are hard to find. Make the first move a kiss on the cheek, if you like her and hope to see her again. Anything more and she may think you're interested in only one thing – sex. When the time is right, consider sending flowers to her job, femmes love others to see that they're being pursued. Also sending a random text to let her know you're thinking about her never hurts.
Dear Dr. Frankie,
How do my partner and I overcome lesbian bed death?
-Stone Cold
Dear Stone Cold,
Start by focusing on intimacy rather than sex. Give her a foot massage; take a bath together, reconnecting physically without the pressure of sex will lower both of your anxieties. Surprise your partner by wearing sexy underwear, she'll notice and you'll feel more sexy and desirable. Take the computer and the TV out of the bedroom. The bedroom should be for two things, sleeping and sex. It might sound unsexy, but its important to schedule time every week for intimacy and romance. Splurge occasionally with a weekend getaway to a romantic location. Explore erotica, porn, toys, role playing, mix things up. Sleep in the nude, there is nothing like feeling your partner's warm, soft skin on yours. Remind her daily of all the reasons you love her. Educate yourselves about sex by reading and learning-the more you know the more skill and confidence you'll have. Take risks by asking your partner what turns her on and by expressing your own needs. Switch top and bottom. Text her an occasional provocative message. If you've exhausted these options and nothing seems to help, consult a sex therapist to help you reconnect. There may be issues other than sexual compatibility holding you back.
Dear Dr. Frankie,
I make more money than boyfriend and he expects me to pay for everything, is this fair?
-Tightwad
Dear Tightwad,
If you love your boyfriend and you make more money than him, you should want to pay. Depending on the seriousness of the relationship, on some level you should want to take care of him. This will be a real problem for you two if you can't reach a solution (what if you want to go on an expensive vacation he can't afford? Are you really going to leave him home? Or will you pay for him and resent him the entire trip?). Perhaps there are other issues here. Are you worried your boyfriend is a gold digger? Have you been taken advantage of (financially) in a past relationship? This topic would be very helpful to explore with a relationship coach or psychotherapist.
Dear Dr. Frankie,
My girlfriend and I've been together three months and want to move in together. Our friends say its too early but we think the time is right.
-UHaul
Dear UHaul,
Your friends are right. Scientific studies show that brain chemistry is altered during the beginning of a relationship. The brain releases a surge of Dopamine and Norepinepherine (neurotransmitters) that creates feelings of euphoria, similar to being high. Once you've become intimate sexually a hormone called Oxytocin is released which makes people feel intensely connected. Every subsequent interaction makes this bond even stronger. The point is that it is important to let the dust settle before making big decisions because you are on a biochemical "high" right now. Give it time. To maintain a balanced perspective be mindful of spending too much time together. This will help you keep a level head during this exciting (but chemically-altered) state you are in. In the meantime take a week-long trip somewhere, spend long weekends together, learn your girlfriend's quirks and let her learn yours. Moving in too quickly, even with the right girl, could potentially permanently damage your relationship.
Coaching is my area of specialty that I strongly recommend to singles that are encountering difficulties finding a partner. I provide coaching to my matchmaking clients, singles in my network, as well as to singles not affiliated with my matchmaking service but who find the dating experience overwhelming, disappointing, and unfulfilling.